Sunday evening I made my way to my mothers bed to have one of my open and honest venting sessions. I notice that every few months I need to have this session with her so I can just talk somethings out that have been circling around in my head. Normally within these conversations a few things take place; God speaks and I get revelation. That night was no different; in fact it was the prequel to God recalling the word about me “lacing up my shoes”.
So let’s rewind!
That night I opened up to my mom about how I disconnected myself from my power source, God. I realized that I was tired of being disappointed; so I stopped praying specific prayers to God and I no longer was excited about communing with Him. I would pray and intercede for others, but when it came to myself I would normally say, “Your will be done for my life.” I figured the less specific I was the less disappointed I would be. Even though I would never share this thought out loud to others, in my heart I started to believe that God was overlooking me. When I looked around me people where receiving blessing upon blessing or had this joy about themselves. Do I dare say that I was jealous? Yes, yes I was.
I then began sharing why I had struggled with writing my book. It had to have been a good five years ago when I had meet up with a friend for dinner and explained to her that I believed once I wrote my book there was going to be a shift in my life and everything was going to fall into place. I remembered that as soon as those words escaped from my mouth two things took place; I felt a leap in my belly from the Holy Spirit confirming what I had spoke was accurate, and I also felt a wave of irritation hit my heart. Why? Pride. Instead of me being excited about this revelation, I distinctly remember thinking why do I have to wait for a book to be written in order for things to fall into place? Shouldn’t God see all the other things that I am doing and just reward me anyway? It hurts for me to share my selfish way of thinking with you all, because that is such an ugly and disgusting mentality to have towards the one who laid down His life for mine. Unfortunately that was my way of thinking.
Lastly, I talked about what slowed my pace down with God. It is something that I refer to as the “what’s next” syndrome. I am one who likes to know all the details. I need to know what is going to happen after I take the first step, and why is it going to happen that way. The funny thing, which I had yet to fully pay attention to, is God does not operate like that. He is all about that faith, ’bout that faith and no doubting! This is why it tells us in His word, “we walk by faith and not by sight.” I have read, heard, and recited that scripture over and over, and was still asking God for a map so I can know where I was going. When He didn’t give it to me, my pace with Him slowed down, or worse I would stop walking all together.
He just doesn’t give up or let go! It took way too long for me to be able to see the beauty of trusting God and that it doesn’t really pay to be disobedient when it comes to God or his plan. It wasn’t that God despised me, but He was hurting from my actions. And yes, He still blessed me, but He wasn’t rewarding my disobedience. Like a good Father, He had to let me knock my head up against the wall a few times and let me “go it alone” so to speak, so that I could learn and realize that apart from Him my life sucks.
Once that revelation hit me I knew what came next, a good slice of humble pie and some repentance to wash it down with. I had to have a good ole’ heart to heart with my Daddy, and believe me it was sobering. Not only did I share what was on my heart, but He shared what was on His. It was so heartbreaking to hear how my actions caused Him grief, but even with that grief He reminded me that not once did He ever stop loving me.
Tonight I wanted to share this with you, because I know what it is like to praise God one minute and then slap Him in the face with my actions in the next. I share this with you all so that you are able to see that there isn’t and will never be a perfect Christian. I have flaws, I doubt, I get angry with God, I cast my cares upon Him to only snatch them back up, but through it all I know that He is real, I know I need Him, and I know I never want to be without Him. I want others to see that even in the midst all of my selfish, stubborn shenanigans I can call out to God and He will answer me. If I have strayed He is on my heels coming after me. The fact that I am even able to share this with you is because of His GRACE and LOVE! Something that He has given me over and over and over again, and this is the same grace and love that He offers not only to me, but to anyone who ask for it. Are you ready to ask for it? Don’t allow the lies of the enemy to convince you that God is not real or that He does not care, because I, the jacked up one, have not only felt and experienced God’s love, but I have seen it for myself. His love is too real to ignore. Search Him out and allow Him to find You!